Two Germaphobic Sisters

Call us anal (or call us Sistahs) but, with the shortage of flu vaccines, we have found it necessary to use “science” as the basis for an article on proper public bathroom usage, in order to prevent the passage of germs and (gasp!) disease!

     Step 1.  Opening the restroom door, without touching it.  How do we do this?  The best way, we think, is to strategically follow the person in front of you so that they have to touch the door and you can slide in behind them—germ free.  If this is not possible, have a tissue ready to open the door with or use a body part such as your foot, knee, hip or whatever else you are gymnastically inclined to.

     Step 2.  Once inside, stall selection is critical!  First of all, a good guideline is to pick the stall that is the best lit, as studies have shown that people tend to use the dimmest stalls most frequently. (Why is that I wonder? So they don’t have to see all the debris before they sit on it?  Are they embarrassed of their bodies?)  Next, everybody knows you should NEVER use the second stall, because everybody uses the second stall because nobody wants to use the first stall because everybody thinks that everybody uses the first stall.  Of course, all the people who never use the second stall, all go to the last non-handicapped stall, so never use that one either. Your best bet is to use the third stall from the entrance or the second to last stall from the end, which often times is the same stall. Also, please do not forget to consider the amount of urine, feces, pubes, and toilet paper in the stall, as all of these should affect your decision. Also, if there are very few stalls to choose from, just use your best SISTAH judgment!

     Step 3.  Opening and closing the stall door:  First, NEVER TOUCH ANYTHING with your bare hands.  How do we do this?  Since you can’t strategically follow the person in front of you into your chosen stall (you have to go in alone), bust out those gymnastics moves we talked about earlier and use whatever body part you can, or make it easy and just use another tissue.

     Step 4.  To sit or not to sit, that is the question…  Okay, there are some benefits to squatting such as never risking disease exposure at the toilet seat level.  However, you risk having urine dribble down your leg, and squatting is not really an option if you are 8 months pregnant.  This leads us to the issue of how to properly cover the seat (if a toilet seat cover is not available).  The basic idea is to cover the ENTIRE seat, as abundantly as possible, with wads and wads of paper to prevent any direct contact with the enemy—germs! *In the spirit of conservation, please save paper and try to squat if you are not in your last trimester!*

     Step 5.  The toilet flush! With your foot, of course! All SISTAH’s know that! But we must include it in the list of steps for any new SISTAH’s out there!

     Step 6.  The other big question… hand washing?  What is a SISTAH to do? This all depends on the number of dirty things you touched while using the restroom! We must also take into consideration, which is the worse of 2 evils:  catching some one else’s germs or maintaining you own natural flora? Yeah, we know you’ve all thought about it! We know you have all skipped the hand washing at some point! Maybe at the local Wal-Mart, or at a rest-stop-trucker-station that was in the middle of nowhere and had more filth and bugs in it than a pile of fresh manure on a hot summer day. Thank God for whoever invented sanitizer, especially in the convenient purse-sized container. Don’t leave home without it! Then, you won’t have to ponder this question, and you can ease your conscience by sanitizing.  For those SISTAH’s out there who carry a flask, your stash of alcohol makes a great sanitizer, too.  So, splash a little whiskey or vodka on the hands and rub together till dry. Works just as well!

     Step 7.  Exiting the restroom. Just like in Step 1, try to follow someone out, and catch the door with you foot. If you can’t, tissue and sanitizer all the way SISTAH!

     Step 8.  Know your limits.  Some bathrooms are just too dirty to use and you are better off finding a tree to squat under!  On road trips, our favorite ways to avoid the rest-stop-trucker-stations (1) to pull over, open the passenger door, hang your booty out, and release, and (2) put the car in cruise control and pee into a large cup while you steer. It works!  Just hope no one sees you, although when you have to go that bad, who gives a damn?

So, in the spirit of flu season, we hope this article prevents our conscientious SISTAHs out there from contracting any public restroom born illnesses!  And remember, if you have small children with you for potty-time that is an entirely other article!